RelationShiTs 2 - by the same engineer

This is a continuation to this post

Act Three: The BullShit

One fine day, seven or eight months into their “relationshit” (in some cases replace months by weeks, days, or hours, according to your talent, looks and bank balance), the girl tells the guy about one wonderful day she had with her friends, and then and there, out of the blue, seeds of jealousy are sown (no, u don’t need them to be watered). The girl accidentally, got proposed to, by her best friend, whom she always thought of as her brother, (at least that’s what she told her bf), when they were drunk and casually chatting, I might add. Now at this point you may raise your right hand and touch your left ear with the thumb, if this has ever happened with you too. She says, she just had to get it off her chest, when the guy feels like in reality she might want it the other way round. The cold wars begin just like the Delhi winter chill, slowly.

The guy calls the girl less (read: gives her less missed calls), and when he does, she always finds excuses to not amuse him with her pleasant voice. The guy stops shaving, starts listening to sad songs by even sadder singers and over eats and becomes fat and irritable, the girl on the other hand, is unmoved by anything, and goes on her regular shopping, flirting, and hanging-out business because she “doesn’t want to show anything is wrong”. Though, she does start searching for a new replacement to “utilize the extra Airtel to Airtel minutes she has on her phone” before the month ends. And before the month ends the girl has a new guy ready to turn into her bf, while the guy has a beard as long as the Great Wall of China.

Act Four: The breakup

There is nothing such as an “amicable breakup” in the world. Never are sad songs beig played in the background, never smiles exchanged, never last hugs given or taken, last kisses or last (dirty minds, I know where you’re going) .. phonecalls, i was about to say. All there is, is exchange of love letters (back to where they originated from) and exchange of money that one owed the other. There are fights, people create misunderstandings, and cutlery is thrown, literally, and hateful emails exchanged and maybe many a times, with the girl’s new boyfriend too. Both sides vow never to talk to each other (*conditions apply).

*Except for on birthdays, Diwali, Holi, new year’s, Christmas, other public holidays, workplace promotions, and most importantly getting new girlfriends and boyfriends. I shall address this last one in a new post though.

The girl becomes sad, and receives sympathy from her friends (read: male friends). The guy on the other hand is the proud recipient of abuses, alcohol and Classic Milds. The girl’s friends take her out to cheer her up. The guy’s friends laugh at him and make fun of him for his stupidity. The girl gets over the guy in 3.75 weeks, to be precise. The guy, never. The guy keeps scouting for chances to get back WITH her, the girl, scouts for chances to get back AT him. And so begins a series of phases, in which they talk and don’t talk, and talk and don’t talk, and don’t talk and talk.

In some interesting cases, as my research shows, the girl dates the guy’s best friend right after she dated him, and if the guy even dare come near the girl’s best friend (male or female), he is termed a slut. So much so for male bonding, I tell you.

In other rare but existent cases, eight weeks later, the girl finds a new “the one”, and the guy finds a “the one and only one” (if the guy has the strength to pull off a new stunt).

Concluding Remarks:

If you want to fall in love, stop. Think about how many better things you could do with your time, like sleeping with your mouth wide open, dreaming and drooling about Jessica Alba, learning to speak Mandarin (if your eyes can differentiate between the symbols in that language), counting stars in the sky, getting jobs done (workplace I mean, work jobs, *frowns*), getting your facial hair waxed, heck, even building a time machine, and still if you feel, you have nothing better to do, then go ahead, make your life miserable, and others’ too.

But don’t forget I told you.

But as they say Old habits die hard.

You won’t listen.

Bruised knees are better than broken hearts.

Ponder on that for one.

RelationShiTs -by an engineer

This one is of the most touchy topics and it remains so, for our whole lives. It mostly comes out when you turn 30 and plan on getting married (in some cases, not even then). The Telecomm companies, however deep in shit they may be right now, realised the power of girlfriends a long time back, so have always had this “special night calling plan” that at some unfortunate point in our lives (engineers least, and BSc. grads most) we have had on our Sim cards.

Yes, so I’m going to talk about girlfriends today, in my case the lack thereof. By the way, I’m sigle and ready to mingle right now, but that’s not the point, that’s just for the females who somehow, and I don’t know how, liked my pic, and assume that I’m good looking. For them ill say, “Trust me, girls with faces like yours don't go out with guys with wallets like mine”(Let me clarify that on popular demand: ur pretty n im poor  :P  :P)

Okay, so the ill trained engineer in me says, I should start from the basics, so I say the standard relationship (relation-SHIT, as I like to call it sometimes, intentionally) is divided into four phases. The wooing (never my cup of tea, given that I’m not exactly the mirror shattering supremely gorgeous kind of a man), the courtship (the part I never reach to, obviously, duhh), the bullshit(the phase I would love to describe, as I’v seen many many a men, dig deep in it) and the ever so filmy breakup(wait till I get to that one).

Act One: The Wooing

Boy sees girl. There is this spotlight on her. God would have made her in the choicest of his moods. She always hangs out with her ugly friends, intentional or not, it does the job (no double meanings, okay?). Jessica Alba would get inferiority complex looking at her Fb profile pic, imagine what effect it would've had on the guys of the campus. Oh!, and i almost forgot, revelling in the girls glory, Girl Never ever sees boy. I mean NEVER EVER. Why should she? Is the boy an SRK Duplicate? or in today’s world, Ranbir Uncle’s?? No, so why on earth would he stand out in the crowd? He would get a 2 on 100.

Okay, so, finally, 4 months after the boy sees the girl, the girl sees the boy, irks in disbelief over his weird hairstyle and beard and says to herself, “Viola, I’v found the safe guy I’ve been longing for. Thank u Gawd!” The guy on the other hand has already thought of the names of the children he is going to father with her, if he has the capability to do so, that is.

She then befriends him, much to his disbelief. He knows all he has is a hint of humour in him as his only weapon to conquer the kingdoms of estrogen and progesterone, which he believed till now had been hidden on some secret island in the Bermuda Triangle. Anyway, he hi fives himself when he gets the notification “ABC has accepted your friend request.” His friend list moves to 243, hers to 1243.

Act Two: The courtship

The girl finally breaks up with her boyfriend of a year and a half, and cries all over our guys shoulders over the spilt milk (if Nargis Fakhri can land Rockstar, can’t I use a phrase out of my class 5 English teacher’s workbook?). The guy works very hard to cheer her up, filling in the voids of her life, as if they were the sites of meteorite crashes. 3 months hence they start going out. The oh so lovely couple plan a future together, when they ruin each other’s present, by dining in expensive restaurants at Khan Market, where the coffee is more expensive than a foot long sub combo meal at Subway. Cut to the chase, they can’t get enough of each other (don’t take it literally, it’s metaphorical). They bunk classes, watch movies in halls that would have the least possible audience, bribe the official, get the corner seats, only to find, a single short bald, fat uncle sitting next to them. They hug each other in the metro, as if it’s too crowded for comfort, but in reality, the guy is just creating a 1km periphery around his girl, to mark his territory. All is hunky dory, till the inevitable happens one day.

To….Be….. Continued  Here